you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
