What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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