i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
