I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
