what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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