Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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