The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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