is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
