there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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