god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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