Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
