I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
