My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Randomize
