I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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