I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
