If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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