Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you had me at cake vodka
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
