barbara walters just said penis...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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