Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
