Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
