I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
