at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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