I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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