Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
