my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
