note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
