the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
