When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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