That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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