can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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