I just saw a hot homeless man
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
