Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
