That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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