Your mouth is God's brothel.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
