I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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