I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
