At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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