I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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