We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize