just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
