Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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