Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize