I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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