Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
