remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
