Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
