Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
