So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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