Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
