i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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