i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
