You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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