every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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