remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
