she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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