I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
