somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
