literally had 100 drinks last night.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize