I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
