my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
