Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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